[04/26/14 @ 10:18pm] [ mood | awake ] [ music | the weakerthans ] friends only. because i write about secret things & you can't tell secrets to just anybody. 84 | comment

[03/21/09 @ 3:29pm] since the last time i wrote here i have fallen in love. 1 | comment

[06/17/08 @ 9:30pm] we call it "making love", like love is something that can be molded and crafted into a final product, so that after all the sweat is over there are tiny pieces of art scattered on the sheets. like it is something that can be seen afterwards, held afterwards, a visual, an object. definite. i have no art pieces in my room or on my sheets, but when i do i will look at them with pride. maybe being in love means you can see the art, like it is a magic christmas bell that you can only hear when you believe. there are lots of good things coming up in my life right now. charlie is coming to visit me, and darien is coming home on sunday, and i am going to guelph for the weekend. plus next weekend is finally the big dance party where darien and kevo get to show off how great they are and i get to dance dance dance like it is last summer. the world is so beautiful today. I DECIDE WHO I AM. YOU DECIDE WHO YOU WANT ME TO BE. comment

[05/30/08 @ 12:30am] things that are going to happen when i live in a place by myself: 1. i am going to have a fat, fuzzy, orange cat named rover (this one is very important!) 2. i am going to have endless supplies of ikea tea light candles 3. i am going to have lots of white furniture 4. i am going to have hardwood floors 5. i am going to have at least one big window 6. i am not going to have more than two of the same picture frame 7. i am not going to have more than four matching cups/plates etc 8. i am never going to have a fridge that will look full to anyone else but me 9. i am going to have enough room to dance around in my underwear 10. i am going to have plants 11. i am going to have more pillows than i will ever need 12. i am going to make sure that everyone i love always feels like there is room for them see, i am still learning things this summer besides how to make a decaf triple tall sugar-free hazelnut non fat no foam one hundred and ninety three degree two splenda with extra whip latte. 4 | comment

[05/23/08 @ 11:13pm] [ mood | i got an a- on my paper! ] so, i work at starbucks now. when someone asks "how have you been!" i say "full of coffee!" and when someone says "bri when can we play!" i say "for about an hour around 4 in the morning next wednesday!". i work thirteen out of the next fourteen days, and i do love it, i do, but i am still getting used to it. but i definitely am. brittany and i decided today that we are going to become better friends. we can just tell. all of the things i have been doing recently i have been doing with my parents, and for the most part, it has been quite okay. my mom retired at 50 last week, and i am so proud of her. she is around all of the time, but it is nice since we have been getting along. she bought me some new sunglasses today, because she thinks they will make "the car look better". if that is not achieving success, i don't know what is. next monday i am going to the m.i.a. show with sav, and i am so glad that i am going with her. we have been friends for so long, but we only really ever get the chance to speak on msn. this will be the first time i am glad that my sister can drive, because i am going to get her to drive us home afterwards so that sav and i can drink a bottle of wine and some vodka rock stars and dance our drunken hearts out to the delicious maya. darien is coming home next week to run errands from tuesday night until thursday morning, but he has promised me atleast two visits. he is still my best friend, despite all of the loops and jumps we both have taken this year, and i couldn't be happier. it is so interesting how i came to know what saying, "i love you" could mean if you really did mean it. and have the person saying it back to you mean it back. this only happens once. i believe that every time you say, "i love you" to someone, you mean something different. my baby bangs are growing out (a good test run, but there are more things i want to try), and i really hope they are ready for september. i haven't played my guitar in ages. music brings out the worst in me, and when people listen to my songs, i don't think most of them realize. things are just okay right now. i am pretty lonely since all of my friends are either A) very busy with work B) live very far away C) don't have their licenses or D) a combination of all of the above. but i am getting used to being by myself. i need this. things are getting better. comment

virgo [03/28/08 @ 1:25am] [ music | hiro! ] "The emotional upheavals of the past few weeks are not over yet but there is light at the end of the tunnel and you will reach it quicker if you can learn to forgive and forget. Perhaps the person you most need to forgive is yourself. Everyone gets a bit worked up once in a while. It's not a crime." the globe and mail almost made me cry today. i go home in 23 days. then it's job hunting and a very long summer with "carly carly carly!" other things i want to do: 1. swim laps every day so dad does not think we need to fill in the pool 2. see fifteen movies that i have never seen before that won best picture/actor/actress 3. get a tan 4. drive somewhere that takes longer than five hours 5. spend an entire night outside 6. make three new friends 7. read ten books 8. paint expect the list to just keep getting bigger, it is going to be april on tuesday! april is generally a good month for me, it is time for me to break out a good ol' dose of my healthy store o' optimism. 2 | comment

time to let it all go [02/17/08 @ 10:37pm] [ music | juno ] i want to give away almost all of my clothes and buy all new ones. neon tights and pretty dresses and grown-up shoes. i don't want to own more than ten t-shirts. i want to wear party dresses to breakfast. i want to have smaller boobs that will fit into nice clothes. i want to learn to waltz. i want to have some grace, and some party animal. i want to have nice collarbones. i want a new haircut. i simply want to renew all of the material aspects of my life and grow them up. i think growing up my insides may be easier if i have already grown up my outside. today i woke up and my room was messy - as usual - and it was almost sunny. that is how i felt all day: almost sunny. i woke darien up at two in the afternoon his time and walked around halifax as we spoke about big news and small talk. he is living his dream, while i am still trying to remember mine. it isn't a bad thing, but i am not driven anymore. i have no university to get into, no big decisions to make. i am drifting, i talk about all the same things, i eat too much peanut butter. i do go running in the gym though, and i almost fall off because i am dancing to my ipod. in fyp we are in the era of revolutions. i am a fyp-er. maybe someday soon, the revolution will come. he's just not that into you. who do you talk to about missing someone? if you talk to the people in the place where you are doing the missing, then you will make them feel bad for not being as much as the person you are missing. and if you talk to the person you are missing, you will only miss them more. missing is like a sea, it is beautiful and warm and filled with life, but it is deep and it fills up everywhere you go. i am soaked in this missing, this longing for things to be cheap and easy. i love the new i have found here, but there is a difference. at home, i was not so lonely, i had friendships without any question, friendships that were deeper than this sea i am swimming swimming swimming swimming in. 1 | comment

joni is teaching me to feel [12/18/07 @ 3:20am] WANTED: something to be passionate about i want to sit and talk to someone. sit and learn about them, the way they tie their shoelaces, their favourite way to fall asleep, what they are passionate about, the people that they love that don't love them. i want to love someone. i don't need for it to be sexual, i just need to give out all these gusts that are blowing in my bones to SOMETHING, i need somewhere to put it all! i feel like i am supposed to start growing up now but i haven't done half the things i wanted to do while i was in my youth so i refuse to do so. i am not going to be an adult until i have done all the things i wanted to do in my youth. maybe that's why sometimes lately i can't breathe a little bit or i can't sit still at all or i am sad for no reason. i need passion. my heart is a running, speeding organ that doesn't have anywhere to go. i am the romantic. maybe i could be romantic with a cause or a baby plant or a book. but i haven't found it. i keep searching and thinking maybe baby maybe but no! where did the passion go, i see people who have found it. number 1 is so in love, the kind they make movies about where you lie on the floor surrounded by candles and just stare at each other and can't even believe it. i am the romantic. 2. has found it in music, his whole body is overwhelmed by the beats and the bass. he shivers with it, straight down the spine, and shooting back up into the scalp so that his neck is sore in the morning. they're all just giving me hope. i refuse to believe that it is false hope, like somewhere out there my passion is sleeping and dreaming and knows that i will find it one day. i will find it. i am the romantic. 1 | comment

[12/07/07 @ 9:09am] i am doing my oral exam in less than an hour, oh my goodness. most people would probably be shoving all their notes down their throats right about now, but i feel like i have really done as much studying as i could. i am prepared. the exam is complete luck anyway, depending on which questions you get and it is impossible that you could know everything. i don't know everything, but i know what i can. i am therefore on livejournal at 9:10 in the morning instead of eating maimonides or aristotle. i am going to montreal today, too! it is one of those "big days" where lots of very exciting things happen. i am surprised i got any sleep last night. i've always been one of those kinds of people - the kind that puts everything into classifications, and the kind that doesn't sleep the night before. i was always up at 4:00 in the morning on christmas day still waiting to hear santa and then assuming he was really as quiet as a mouse as i finally let my eyes close. i was the one who would sleep the entire plane ride there on vacations because i had lied in bed wide awake waiting to arrive in mexico or disney world. i was the kid that went to disney world four times. the only time in my life that i have ever considered myself to be speechless was when i was five and i met jasmine in her turquoise sequins. my sister had to say, "this is brianna and she is my sister and she likes you a lot." i like that part of myself - that i allow myself to get excited. i think i make things more fun being like this. carly and darien and maria and i are going to group hug today when i finally arrive at darien's apartment because carly doesn't want to wait for the others to go first or have to have her first hug in two months cut short. i completely agree with her because how could i ever choose an order when the two people i love most are standing in the same room, ready with love? good and even, good and even, keep 'er equal. i can't wait to dance as soon as my exam is over. i haven't been drunk in over two weeks because of when i got sick and it is very strange. this is the longest i have gone since i went to university. i also have not had a cigarette in i don't even know how many days anymore. darien counts the hours, and i lost track after about six. i feel good about that. real city, here i come, for dancing, and loving, and living, oh my! comment

upon the highest bough [11/30/07 @ 4:08pm] i have been sick since sunday with a daily fever that eats up my hair and leaves me covered in sweat. it's been awful, i am so tired of moaning and complaining even though everyone says i'm allowed to because i am sick. i just want to be better. november has not been a good month. i go to montreal a week today to live at darien's house and be carly's bestfriend, and i am itching (on the knees, shoulders, thighs) to get there. i am starting to build a real temporary life here that is a little bit comfortable, but everyone knows i'm leaving. they don't want to believe, can't believe, won't believe, but they know. i know. tonight is the last night of the wardroom, and i am going to drug myself up and make my way down. my friend made me soup a couple of nights ago and left it outside of my door, another gave me a flower, people leave me "get better bri!" messages on my answering machine, "marry me" messages on my door. the holiday season is starting, i'm almost done my first bag of clementines. i have no christmas gift ideas because everyone i am buying a gift for is far away. this is so odd to me, buying gifts is my favourite. i can't wait to wake up tomorrow and for it to be december and for this month to be over. i'll always be thankful you see me the way you do, love. 1 | comment

even if it does, we'll just do it all again [11/14/07 @ 1:04pm] [ mood | i'm in a mood ] i have discovered that to me, boys who have mac laptops are way sexier than boys who don't. when i am sitting in lecture, i am picking out all the white screens around the room - if they have a black one like me they are a mysterious mac user which makes them all the more intriguing. i have yet to find myself in a situation where i have a crush on a boy who uses windows. it's a fact, i'm telling you, and i've had lots of crushes. there's a big fat elephant hanging out in my room and i ignore him most of the time, but he's really starting to whine. his feet hurt and he doesn't know how to get out of the tiny door. how did he get in here in the first place? king's isn't the place for elephants - everyone sees them all the time and the only place you can be alone is in your dorm room. and that's where he hangs out! it's a very vicious circle, maybe i need to go find a mouse to scare him away. but even then, even if he gets scared and starts trumpeting his trunk and stomping around this small space tossing my life (bed, box set, kettle, guitar) all up in a whirlwind, he still can't get out. i don't know how i am ever going to get him out. i've always been really good at finding good analogies. my midterm last week was near impossible, plus my group in theater was brutal, so now i am looking at marks that may not be high enough to keep calling out "roomie!" and getting excited. i am still so attached to the idea, but i've got some socks to pull up. mine are droopy, maybe i just need new ones. who knows. t keeps making me cds, but then he sits with other girls at lunch and giggles with them instead. p doesn't know i exist, and all my girlfriends keep asking me, "what do you see in him anyway?" but v still calls sometimes so i am going to keep up a little bit of a grin just in case. comment

[11/01/07 @ 8:41pm] today is the birthday of everyone she knows a long list of slight acquaintances & birthday boys (birthday boys don't wear clothes) a gemini at heart the two faced son of a bitch who blows out someone else's candles like the brat in the party hat who just won't sit still screaming that fucking birthday tune to her neighbours and their sons comment

[08/27/07 @ 2:54am] [ music | stronger ] the day i move to halifax is in the forecast on the weather network, along with days that come after it. this means things are closing in quickly, and i am excited. i think i jumped the hardest hurdle today. montreal is $100 away. goddess, warrior best august ever. mark's cottage with darien carly dana kevin & markus, carly's incredible birthday party where the most surprising butterflies showed up in a refreshing way, a real date where sean & i went to kensington & he paid for my subway token & grilled cheese (i'm a cheap date, my mom would not be proud), justin timberlake live in concert with bad charlotte, shopping with sav, daft punk!!!, goodbye tears that i am proud of, and montreal. la ville ou ma vie de coeurs a un coeur fait d'or. i cannot wait to live in my city, and prove once and for all that it is where i am to be. halifax is my first home, newmarket my second, darien's apartment my third. i smelt it there, it was right. comment

[07/05/07 @ 7:19pm] it's been a big week, and i am a little smaller, though my heart has been built. piece by piece, no need for a manual, i am together. 3 | comment

dining room corners [06/28/07 @ 12:44pm] today is my birth day, i am an adult. yesterday i died and closed this eighteen year book of square phases, barbie dolls, and recess. yesterday a woman non-chalantly forked over a fake diploma saying, "fuck you, you're on your own." then i came home and took tuesdays off with 1800, trying to trust myself. darien left, carly left. line up for your big fat expenisive jet all day and then go find the world. you are my world. i always scoop up change and cradle it in my arms like a naked baby, but today i just want to throw it back into my womb. i liked things the way they were - i'm changing tenses - and it's warm and comfortable in there. the cruise is in a week and a bit, and then i am going to see countries that i have never seen before and breathe brand new air. turkey is supposed to be the best, i'm going to scrape my knees on ancient runes and come back with scars to show. i'm going to leave my city breathing, though i don't really know where i am. which one is my city? i'm an undergraduate now, do i have a real city? my home will not be home to come home to, not with out you and you and you and you and you and you. and you. YOU in capital letters. why? oh you. i cry for our comfort, shoulder-kisses, and trying not to wonder where you are. i'm lingering, trying to figure things out. i will figure things out, i've just got to. craig cardiff played in my house two days ago, and it was so surreal. fame came to visit, like a train sneaking into the station. him and my dad got along flawlessly, maybe my dad is famous. ( FUCK YOU HIGHWAY LINES, LEAD HIM HOME ) i feel like livejournal is so safe. it's windy inside, the curtains couldn't stop moving even if they wanted to. i'm jealous of sheets of paper-coloured cloth. 1 | comment

[04/14/07 @ 8:09pm] so i don't know what the definition of "totaling your car" would be, but i got close today. i am going to king's i am going to king's i am going to king's. it has sunk in. comment

[01/06/07 @ 1:11am] [ music | alexi murdoch ] i feel as though since months have passed by that i owe all the days a story. like i should be writing novels of french cities and letters of true friendship and questions about whether we are going up or down. but i'm sticking to a true feeling that has been leaking out of my skin - take it all one moment at a time. write your own dictionary. for me, "bedshaped" means staying inside sheets for so long that your body forms into the bed and you fit into the springs of the matress seamlessly. "laughter" means the world's greatest light, and the source of every bit of ourselves. i'm slowly creating all of my own definitions, add your definitions, keep them to yourself! maybe since i seem to write in codes, the bri-dictionary would explain a lot. do you really want to know what i mean? I can still picture you sitting there. Sitting there beside me, with all of your limbs shaking. You were literally vibrating from underneath your skin, making me quake from nerves just looking at you. I knew we shouldn’t have done it, we both knew. We never speak of this because we both knew so well. But it was all in your hair that night, and the way we kept so quiet. The room was filled with quiet; like it was a smoke and we were suffocating in it. We were gasping for air silently as we sat there with rocking bones and the knowledge of how we should not have let it get this far. You dared to look at me a few times, as if you needed a reason. I could tell you wanted me to be the reason. You shifted your gaze slowly around my body and the room, though you could barely see either of them. I could see you searching, almost panicked. I wanted to reach out, just hold you and say, “It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay!” but I didn’t and I kept my hands to myself. I let you shake, I shook, and we both kept trying to remember when it was supposed to be over. It is over now and there was no precise moment that made it so. Even though we’re done shaking, for now, I will never forget your hair that night and how it was the only part of you that didn’t move. It just stayed still as if your body was made up of linked pieces all lying on top of one another, and I felt like laughing at it! I kept that in, too, though, like I’ve always kept everything inside. I’ve always let things float around in my blood and my organs, like boats on thick water. They’ve drifted throughout my body without purpose, without direction, sailing my seven red seas on my own accord for centuries. I’ve always kept everything in my veins, all my days and regrets and secrets, and you are no different. All it took was a deep breath despite the smoke to flush you in. I breathed deeply and suffocated but did not die and I just stayed there with you. You and your limbs and your hair. i'm keeping up, i'm staying loyal, i'd kiss you just to show you that i'm not going to leave if kissing didn't already have it's own definition. 1 | comment

[10/22/06 @ 3:28pm] [ music | the special two - missy higgins ] clutch the edges of my skirt as we move closer & closer. remember this - even when we've all come & gone from one place or another, hems will remain in our places since we have sewn up years & years of best-days. i will fight for you, believe that i will fight for you & even when you forget me i will fight back. i will defeat all the odds & i will remember you & the way these worlds feel when they collide. even when you don't think that you deserve sunshine or that i deserve the sea, we will just breathe together & i'll keep fighting. i found this new place where cars stop for you when you cross the street, where i am comfortable even when my socks & shoes are wet. where i make deeper friends that were once not-shallow-but-not-deep. where people appreciate other people. where i can walk & walk & got lost but never be afraid! where i can see the ocean! it's exactly what i knew it would be, i told you so many times & still i was right. all that doubt inside of you that said, "bri, you can't just know" get RID of it because i was right! yesterday morning i went to a zinefair & made buttons that said things like, "wonderous!" & "dishy mornings with lace", while harriet made ones that said, "wonderlust!" & "these waters". then i found an amazing pair of boots at a second hand store that i didn't buy at once, but then went back for later only to find out that they had been sold. day by day, i am learning more and more that you just have to do things. just because you have to trust yourself & know that second guesses leave time for the first guesses to be forgotten. you never want to be forgotten. ( we'd bleed together ) these arms will not be taught to need any others. 23 | comment

we are one (it's key) [09/17/06 @ 5:57pm] [ mood | i finally understand ] for years now, though it feels like centuries & seconds at the same time, i have been i love. finally, the whole world has come together & i have figured it all out - i need this & i need all of you. i will say thank you, but that doesn't do it justice. we've found our place, we've found every single reason to breathe together. you have all given me this beautiful gift, the gift to hold onto hands the tightest & to be oh so afraid but to know that we're still going to have each other. i told all of my grade nines "this is your family!" & i understood & i cried because of it. it's that moment where you are crying because your heart doesn't know what else to do - it's so happy yet so sad yet so amazed all in the same moment. happy because the mainstreams all make fun of us but we'll just laugh along because we know that none of them have felt this way! none of them! now the joy of my world lives inside all of you - glowing with golden liquids & with every held-hand circle this world can hold. it's never over, that's what we were all singing about. we're taking it with us, the things we learn together aren't ever going to go away. none of you are ever going to be able to get out of my head & my soul & my skin & my heart, you beat it & you make it bump & grind! we're still together for a reason, we've said it before, because this is where the universe meets to show off how it can be beautiful. i love you all so much, you know. ( put your arms around me ) all of us are so alive! you are my best answer to so many questions, you are my best friends, you are the best parts of my life. i had a moment at kinark where we were all playing our song - it was just for us - i was surrounded. we finished singing & i didn't know who i was beside, but i started crying. soft hands reached out & pulled me back into an embrace & i still don't know who it was. i don't want to know who it was. to me, it was all of you. because all of you can hold me for as long as you want to & you always manage to be there to draw me in closer when i need you to. you've got this magic over me, the magic of kinark, nadia, what we always will carry inside us. a moment with you is never a moment wasted, we'll always keep this moment alive. wherever i go, there you are. i found myself at kinark hoping that the grade nines, tens & elevens would love kinark as deeply as i have. the way the morning feels there, the way it feels to cry, the way it tastes to love every inch of so many people. the way sounds of laughter, "i love you" & sing-alongs can mean everything. to love the smell of the air & appreciate that the magic there means more than every other something. my kings & queens, it's not over until it's over & we all know what that means - never never never, we never have to let each other go. 40 | comment

i came all the way back [08/07/06 @ 1:40pm] [ mood | this means everything ] [ music | martha wainwright ] & so, i found all of the missing pieces! there was one lying in the cobblestones on the streets of london, two huddled together inside a bright red phonebooth in oxford, three on top of a mountain in grasmere, & the final few were just waiting for me in edinburgh. i picked up each one with care & i now can feel them squirming around in my organs & bones. i learned how to punt, what it means to really be an existentialist, & that hippies hold the best lessons. i saw shakespeare lit up & in full colour exactly where it started. i thought in pence instead of cents & in accents of foreign tongues. there are millions and millions of people around, each with so much history. i found histories inside skins & walls that i'll never see again but i never will forget. the first thing i noticed about the united kingdom is the size of it's trees. they are thicker & older - trees are never that wide here. they've got age in their lines unlike anything here can even compare with. i saw the tree where the chesire cat would sit if it could & i saw where kings & queens lie as marrow & dust. i was so spontanious! i came home with no regrets & all these gains that i couldn't have found by myself. i came home with a suitcase full of mental maps, star-eyed flats, half of top shop, & a heart torn between future & past. time goes in circles & then just leaves you dizzy anyway - but that's normal, so don't fear it thrive in it enjoy it embrace it. ( don't forget that i will always love you ) take chances, all my lovers. it feels so good to get things started & to SOAR UP INTO THE AIR. you teach yourself all the most important lessons. 48 | comment

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